Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Conair!!

Now I have done my fair share of travelling. I go to Hong Kong and China once a month and have done so for over four years. I still enjoy the adventure and every trip seems to produce an event, one event that really and I mean really sticks out in my mind is the day I nearly got arrested by the pilot on a flight from Johannesburg to Hong Kong.

It was last year March and I managed to upgrade to business class, I boarded and was seated next to a Chinese man. Before I continue, anyone that has visited the east should be familiar with the Chinese manners or lack thereof and what they are capable of. The plane climbed to the heavens and we all settled for the long haul to the land of noodles and fake Rolex watches.

I decided to read my book which would have kept me busy for the better part of the trip.... not true! The fella (Chinese) seated next to me and who had been well behaved for the first hour decided to FUCK my head and stomach contents around. My silence and tranquility was shattered, he took a rather overstated breath and cleared his throut with all the might he could muster.... it went a little like this GGGGGGGGWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHH, the flem reverbarated through his lungs and obviously landed in his garlic infested mouth!!! I placed my book neatly on the middle console and turned to Mr. Siff, my face was consumed with total horror, I mean I looked like I had just witnessed Lassie being run over by a truck.

I then shook my head in disgust and returned to my book, oh he knew I was not a happy man, oh he knew, the fucker. So back to the book, I was half way down the page, just as Andy Mcnab took his super dooper knife to the Iraqi soldiers throat.... he did it again..... this time he pulled it like a champion shotput..... and he reached for a bag (sick bag that is) and spat it into the bag.

I turned to him with the look of a psycho and asked him with the coldness of Andy Mcnab being debriefed by the CIA after single handedly killing three thousand Iraqi troops with a blunt rusted spade he stole from his grannys shed.

My words were clear and precise.... "If you do that again chink, I am going to hurt you" the yellow berk smiled at me... he SMILED at me (teeth clenched)

"Its not funny, please do not do that again" his reply just added to my psycho demeanor..." you dwont wowy, It no pwobwem" I smiled "cool just dont do it again!!!"

Right back to the book.... and here comes lunch, hoo hoo hoo... began picking at the salad and all was back on track for a good flight. Lunch completed went back to the book with a whisky to clear my thoughts and make me normal again.

GGGGGGGGWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHH.... yep I know he, he, he DID IT AGAIN! His yellowness had just reached his destination.... I needed a spade.

I released my seat belt and reached for my pillow.... I leaned over him... and began my thumping, its hard to describe the thrashing but can you remember when your mother took her hand to you, she gave it one of those... if *smack* you *smack* do *smack* that *smack* again *smack* .... it went like that.... I was unstoppable the pillow began to weave apart and gave way with a cracking tear.... needless to say his seat was full of bits of faom.... and fuck you I said for good measure.

A burly man seated in 12c who had an old Koevoet cap on piped up " Jy focken se vir hom, die klein blicksem" I had a following (I was Captain Flem) by the end of the flight I was sure I would be a celebrity.... not.

I retired after my cage fight to my seat, strapped myself in and tried to read my book again. This is where my undies immidatly changed to a brownish colour.

The man dressed like a pilot came over to me and asked that I accompany him to the front of the plane.... which I did.

In his Aussie drawl he explianed that I had now contravened an internationl law.... INTERNATIONAL LAW?????? This was no speeding fine it appears.

He went on by stating that I will now be hand cuffed in the forward galley (they still think they are on the high seas, the sods!)
I expained my sitiuation and went further to say that I had paid alot for this ticket and that why should my flight be badgered by vomiting all the way to Hong Kong.... I pleaded and pleaded, and then I said it..... "Ausssies had a great game last week, Larkin was on form dont you think..... mate"

His eyes softened and he let me back to my seat...... YAY I was in the clear..... so there I was.... a convict, I was on Conair... hee hee...

The cabin crew were keeping a close eye on me and I thought I should send a clear message that all was cool in seat 13B, I leaned over to yellow man and shook his hand... smiling I said "your head will be in my kit bag you chinkie fuck!!

We landed and I was free...

1 Comments:

Blogger muddlepuddle said...

Teeehheeeeehheeeeeee!!!

You don't wowy! Oh good times!!
Man alive I'll tell you what got me in that one is the "garlic infested mouth"!!
God just so brilliantly graphic!!

And as for the pillow bashing! Wahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

27 June, 2006 14:16  

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