Stars and Light

It Was So Good....My Soul Is Clean!

2007-01-24T07:46:00.000+02:00

As an eight year old that grew up on the beach, I have always loved the ocean... The colours, sounds, smell and the flow of the waves and swells..... I was brought up in Johannesburg (far from the waves) but every two weeks I was on the beach sitting and watching my father catch the next big one....My Dad had a boat and fished competitively.

I asked for a board and my Dad wanted me to love the ocean as he did and saw this as following his steps.... We went to the board shop and I got my first board, it was a 6,1 flat fish board.... I spent hours perfecting the art of surfing or the basics that is, I got into the water at 6 in the morn and got out at 3 in the afternoon, I
began with the white water and shore breaks. I learnt to kneel, then to crouch... eventually I stood.... all the while being called all the names under the sun by the local surfers young and old (a world that is so closed if you cant shred or rip a wave, your nothing in there eyes, infact you are called a "Kook") One year later and I was shredding, ripping and airing to my hearts content, I gained respect from the "treble boys" up the north coast.I could surf 6 footers, to 10 footers, I was loving the waves and felt that I had a passion of a lifetime!

I happily went on, I got cut up one day by a kid that would not accept that I could actually surf as good as him and still be a "vaalie" He pulled a blade on me whilst paddling past me, I bled,paddled back to the beach, I climbed out, ran to the chemist and patched my self up, I got back in the water and surfed the best pearl one could imagine, he paddled back to the shore!

I continued to surf, sometimes alot and some times there was a break for six months,

I yearn everday for the water....

Im 34 today and have my own business, its hard to get to the water, but I had a holiday this December that my mates and I had been planning for a year... some of the mates were the "treble boys" We were going to surf all the digs we could get our boards into from Jeffreys Bay to Cape Vidal, we had booked hotels and bed and breakfast spots for the whole trip..... every holiday of travel to Europe or Dubai or the States would never compete with this one we were about to enjoy, this was going to be it, I had one whole month of water and waves!

We flew to Port Elizabeth had two Mercees Vitos (vans) waiting for us, all 14 of us with wives and girlfriends,packed the boards and kit into one van and cruised together in the second.....

The next morning I was at super tubes.... man I cannot explain to you how beautiful the water looked, glass on the front and bashing on the back.....

I had not for over two years been in the water, sure I grabbed a board when I was in the Maldives, but the waves were waist high and really pathetic on the Kani island that is, but not like this, I had six of my mates paddling next to me, the sun was just a ray of light at 5 in the morn, we were on another planet.....

I just cannot explain to you how my soul was smiling, I was so fucking happy, nothing on earh could make me smile like that.. it was Gods gift to me, he let ride his water... I had one of the toughest years of my life, a year that made me hard and bitter, I was here right now in the water cleaning my soul.....

Man that first wave was my ultimate..... it just lifted my spirit, the stoke was all I wanted!

We cruised the coast for a month together and what a month it was, we surfed, we laughed, we tasted the good life, it was just so beautiful!! The Stoke was on and it was good!

I came home and have given up smoking, I am now training every night at gym in the pool, i am going to take my surfing seriously, it is good for me, and whats good for me is good for the business....

I am going to surf my dream wave in three years.... be it Mavericks, Hawai or just a good barrel in Indo, im going to do it and I FUCKING WILL!!!

My hearts yearning for the big water... I will train and train hard.... I will get there!!

Right........ The Little Bugger is Back

2007-01-11T19:46:00.000+02:00

Heeeeeeellllloooooo all my wired mates!!

Okie doke just got back today from one month of bliss and the best break ever.... I have been a tad naughty and not wished all of you merry and happy... However I have an excuse and I do so wish you understand....

I spent a month surfing every dig and beach I could get my hands on, I surfed dogs and pearls and barrels and very sweet ones..... Remember its my passion. I went from the J-Bay to Vidal up north, yep almost 2000 kilometers of coast line.

South Africa is one of the very few places on earth that is made for a surfer. I will tell all of you tomorrow, right now I have to crank my business up again and get all cylinders burning... Oh and I gave up smoking... yep Pack of 20 Camel filters a day for 18 years... Im cruising through the cold turkey... I will not be beat by the sticks! Day 14 and no puff!

Short and Sweet

2006-12-14T10:39:00.000+02:00

Heard this and its been on my mind the whole week.... it describes everything about love ............

"LOVE IS LIKE A FRIENDSHIP, ONLY ON FIRE"

Respect bloggers and just a special mention to those kids that are in blogger land, if you have a single Mom or Dad, give em a break they are trying there Godamn best!!!

A Gangster In A Uniform

2006-12-07T16:31:00.000+02:00

My my my... I do wonder about South Africa and all these corruption charges levelled against the powers that maybe!

Let me start this rant by asking one simple question! You want to drive a luxury car? You so desperatly want to live in Sandton and Parkhurst? Yet you behave like you have just walked out of Mozambique! "We are not like the rest of Africa, we are the Switzerland and the Mecca of Africa"....ummm.... in a way, you are right.... *** Ding Dong** CRAP!!! Your behaviour and unethical manners are what reminds me of deep Africa.... so lets get to it shall we Mr Commissioner of The South African Police Service!

You carry the arms of a policeman who serves and protects the innocent, the public hounour you and respect you, the uniform you wear is on "loan" from the people of this beautiful country, we gave you the title to rid us of the beastly criminals, we sleep at night and let our kids play in the parks with the thought that we have chosen the right DEfender of the people!

So Mrrrrr Comissioner sit up, get that fat belly off the chair and listen up....

1. You had coffee with the biggest gangster in South Africa.... Twat!

2. You are or had driven a car (an expensive one, no actually a fucking expensive one) that was stolen and recovered.... Twat!

3. You Threatened one of South Africas leading "private" authoroties on safety and security..... Twat!

4.You were telephoned on your mobile from one of the prime suspects in the Kebble murder and only five minutes after he was shot to death..... Twat!

So there we have it..... you lump of corrupt lard! I am so embarresed to be a South African right now.... You ever ask your self what the people of the world are thinking of us right now? We are a just another example of a failed system in the realm of a continent that cannot even feed its own people... well perhaps they think we are on our way to this develish way of ruining a beautiful country!

Resign and let the country spare this embarresment! Come clean, you are a criminal and thats the way we see it.... I had coffee with Gaddaffi yesterday and the world thinks im a terrorist.... thats just the way it is!

Well done Commissioner! Cheers abound for your wonderful stroke of genius at ruining what ever hope we had left at restoring the balance between good and evil in this here South Africa, land of the the rainbow!

God Was There That Day, He Made Sure!

2006-11-17T13:28:00.000+02:00

I was asked by a fellow blogger after posting the piece about my love. She asked where we met and I thought it good to let Blog Land and all you great people know. It was the last place one would imagine, the story of the meeting has some laughs, a little tears and a big fat kiss at the end! So settle back, grind some coffee beans, light up a smoke and let me tell you of the most amazing encounter........

Now we all know that I had a career in the Police Force here in South Africa, after the new government took over and the despotic ignorant apartheid government departed. I was dog handler and was really good (if I may say so) at my job. Dog handlers in South Africa are few, as the training is really intense, we were as a result given the best reaction and speed cars, and had all the equipment we could dream of. Most dog cars carry two up and each of us would have a dog on the car with split kennels where the back seats are.....

The day was a warm summers afternoon and we were opposite the mall at a robot on our way to find some stolen cars in the town ships, we had two ladies run with tears screaming "They are robbing the bank"

We kicked into gear and turned to see the get away car... first thing to do is radio for back up... done... lets get the car there, we loaded our weapons (now in South Africa we have to carry heavy rifles of the automatic kind,we had to, we were up against the AK47 family) load up.....

Too late... here they come, they saw us and then all hell broke loose!! We pulled the car in and got out, with a hail of rounds coming our way,we got the dogs out and with all the training Shadow and Rufus knew to lay at the base of the tyres whilst we tried to work some steam the shooters way!

The issue came that this was peak lunch time and the parking lot in front of the bank was awash with civilians, worse yet a bus had just dropped kids from school off....

We took the shots and kept taking the heat.... we were trained to make ourselves availabale for the killing and not return fire...

It was mayhem... the car was taking some serious damage.... they went on foot and we followed... they made the mistake of going into the brush next door to the banking mall, we had our chance and took the fight to them, Shadow and Rufus took there victims down like pro's, this was just a feast for them... we made three arrests and then turned to make sure there were no fatalities at the bank, we had a lady shot in the leg... back up arrived and the hunt was taken up by the rest of the local station guys...

We had done really good... we had foiled this attempt, lost a car that looked like a shower head!

We had the top ranks visit the scene and declare we had acted within the interest of the publics safety.... we actually got a rating for this stint....

Got home and was happy with the result, gave shadow a fat big steak for the great job done.

Woke the morning after and read with absolute horror the front page " Police Dog Handlers Shoot Aimlessly At the Public" written by my future love! Fuck that she is going to get it from me! I had seen her at scenes as the papers crime reporter and had not ever liked reporters,saw them as vultures getting the scraps from us!

Off to the offices of the paper... "what shit are you writing about us, did you bother too see the report of the duty officer, we nearly had our calling from g-d that day?"

All arrogant she ignores me... fat chance... I left with steam in the reception area!

Two weeks later, get a call from my Dog Unit Commander...... get to the office and see Miss "Write Lies" sitting there talking to my superior. This is big rubbish!

Cookie Monster you are to take Miss Journalist and work with her for a month on your car... "Ummmmmm Sir, you are joking arent you, but I dont even like her, she lied" Rank responds " Thats the point, she needs to see what you do" "Ummmm, no Sir that aint gonna happen on my beat" " Yes it is Cookie Monster, or you can go and hand your dog back to the police and leave your badge and weapons there on my desk" Fuck Fuck Fuck was all I thought!

So here I was and she arrives for night shift in a white long sleeve shirt, why dont we just make ourselves a target?

So we leave the unit and get on the road... Shadow is sitting there in the kennel behind me looking at her, putting on his "Im a Fierce Dog" look!

Get a call on radio that a policeman in Alexandra (Township) has been shot and the suspect is in the brush.

Yep here we go, just the right job for shadow... Drove like a banshee and made her litteraly shit herself... got there and said for her to stay put with the other cops.... Got Shadow into the brush and after an hour of tracking found the little fucker!

Came back with the suspect to the car, handed him over and said we are outta here..... Miss Journalist was a whiter shade than the shirt she had on (under a jacket of mine, full of dog slobber, yea!!)

We drove a while and she asked if possible... "Can I get you a cup of coffe and talk, I need to make an apology"

As time went on I fell in love with this woman, she respected me and she fell in love with me!

She is an amazing woman, that just makes my heart flutter.. im at work and cant wait to see her tonight!

She gave me hope, she made me see that I was special and people love me, she backed me when I had nothing, she is my light and my way!

Its Nine years from the day I kissed her..... Fuck I love you Baby!

Just Telling You Again..... I love Thee!

2006-11-14T14:25:00.000+02:00

I wrote this post a couple of months gao, some you of read it an others not... yet my love has been overseas and I am missing her... this year has been a rather hard year and we have been apart alot with our business and travelling... so I thought that I would tell her again!

Its simple to me....

If you wake in the middle of the night and you look at her asleep and think in just a split moment that she is just the most beautiful creature you have seen and your hearts gets warm.... its LOVE!

I have been worried of late with some business dealings and have been awake most nights trying to get my head around my next move in the dark evil world of business.

She knows that I lay awake and I can sense that she feels my anguish... what makes me sleep some more in the night is knowing that people can take all your possessions and money for that matter, but one thing that they cannot get there hands on is my love that I have with her... its too deep!

I love her and will always love her... she is my north and my south, my bow and my stern, the sun and the moon, my sweetner for life!!!

The amazing thing is that I met her eight years ago in the last place one would imagine!

I know she will never read this as its my little diary and whatever I feel I write..... but if she ever did...

I know I would get a kiss!

Oh Heaven and Beauty

2006-11-06T12:32:00.000+02:00

My Dearest Fellow Bloggers... I have been amiss... I know, naughty me... Well my reasons are really good....

I was in the Maldives with one of my customer channels... It was heaven... I mean I am so depressed that I am back at the grind stone. The plce was called Kani and its in the Big Blue just off the tip of India. So settle back and check out these pics...

Let Me Give You A Peek At True Loyalty..... Yea?

2006-10-18T19:29:00.000+02:00

So My last post really drew some tears,well Im sure it upset most SA people as they have born the brunt of the chaos that is SA crime.... lets not forget those brave NYPD souls that clambered up those stairs of the towers.... I love the yanks, no I really do, they are rather loud , but would you not be? I mean they are just sooooo (scuse my tongue here) FUCKING PROUD AND LOVE THERE FLAG.. we are just jelous, go on admit it.....

Any way back to my heading.....I got a mail from a fellow blogger and she just got me yacking of my police days, so I thought that I would post this........

Let me take you to a place that is just so awesome, In this place I am going to introduce you to the most wonderful friend I have ever ever ever ever had.... he aint here any more at my side right now but you better believe he has that tongue out and that tail is wagging, he is in my heart every day and every second..... Oh yes he really is..... Shadow say hello to all these wonderful bloggers, bloggers say hello to the bestest friend ever.

It was a rather icy day a long time ago and I had just arrived at the Police Dog School, we were taken to the pup area and told to go in two's (there are only six of us potential handlers in a class, only two classes a year, so its pretty serious)

I walk on into the "Den" get a growl from the mum, she was just saying " Slowly boys I have a basket full of future crime fighters in there"

I walked in and there they were , all but six weeks, the most gorgeous German Shepherd pups, all excited, they just wanted loves and kisses.... we were then told to choose, we were reminded to choose with our hearts, later on in our careers we will thank our hearts.... so I really did and there was this really grumpy pup, he had spots on his tongue, was odd, but hey he just looked really angry with every one in his "Den".... so that was the one..... In my life I now had a "Shadow" I just named him there and then ..... you may ask why Shadow? Well he was just soooooooo mystical and shadowy.

Time passed and over the 18 months we trained very hard together, we were so happy, we had some tough days but the good was all that we held onto together.... Shadow was just born to fight crime, its as though he knew what we were doing, and he loved it!

We passed and were both posted to the JHB unit.... oh dear talk of the hornets nest...... Now most dont see many dog unit cars in the suburbs, thats really easy to explain, we were where all the action was and that as in town or Alex, Tembisa and sometimes Soweto ( I was a handler after the new government came into power and loved the new way we were headed in SA, until te crime and cop killings gripped this country)

Time went on and we were great together..... boy we had some good ones... after he had tackeled suspects on the chase he had that look in his eyes, tongue panting and the eye brows all scrunched as I put him back in the car and escorted the suspect to an awaiting car... he would almost say... "you Check that one huuh, hooooo that was the bomb, whos your daddy? We worked every day together, we went home together... we had a bond that not many people can understand (try working with your dog and living with him, its special I tell you,a bond that cannot be broken for love or money)

We also had some close shaves together, we were tracking a hijacked BMW and got ambushed in an alley in Alex ( a crime infested area full of gangesters) well I got taken down with a shotgun and Shadow got really hurt that night, he took an AK-47 round in the right flank, we abandoned our car, Big B (my partner for four years) got taken in the right arm. We instictevely decided to blast our way out and hump it on foot back to the police station in the area, we calculated that it would take a good 30 minutes at full tilt (running) I was carrying shadow as he was just not looking good.

Big B and I split up to reduce the risk of the chase.. yea ever heard of the cops being chased, well we were, the fight was one, they wanted our blood( IN SA it was a prize to kill a cop, a dog handler was gold)

Shadow was in a bad state, i could just not stop his bleeding and I was losing so much blood, I felt like this was it, I had to really find a quit place i still dont dont know why today but I just wanted a quit place, i think it was my mind just saying go out quitly, we stopped and went into the river, I dug us into the embankment and waited out, the gangsters gave up and left.... We were in a shit state.... I knew that back up was on the way... I had to key my mike (walkie Talkie)over and over, i could talk, I just could not... I just had too, luckily the locals knew I was in shit and actually called the local station.....

I just remember shadow bleeding out, I was so sad, yet he just kept licking my hand cleaning the blood, he knew I was down and out, he knew that I was sorry for doing this to him....... Umm this is really hard.... I just saw those eyes that loved me so much! He didnt judge me he just kept looking at me... you know what, that was all he needed... he was my loyal friend that saw me as his lifetime partner and thats all!

We both made it...... Three weeks later I left the police, it was just maddness, my family was getting hurt and my girlfriend ( whom I am still with today and might I add was the one who got me through all the nonsense, Im successful today with my own business, that was her, she showed me that I can do it and she loved shadow) was a wreck... Shadow came home with me.....We would continue our friendship at home together...

We both built our "den" and we had fun for four years after that horrible night, he stll groaned when he layed to rest.... but did it with smile.

Time went on and one misty morning he did not wake next to my bed where he slept from the day I chose him.... Fuck I cannot explain to you how hard it was for years.... I cried every day... god it was just sooo hard, I was so angry with God, he had ripped my gaurdian angel away, why the fuck did he do this to me? Not me I was good was I not? Why just at 10 years why not give me him back just for another three years thats all?

Today he is under the favourite tree......The day we layed him to rest my whole Dog Unit of past came and paid there respects, we gave him the full military hounours.... he is in my soul, he is in my heart......

Today people ask my girlfriend how I did it... she replies simply.... "Cookie Monster had Shadow"

In the Dog unit we had the following dream and I still believe it.... when our best friends (our Dogs) passed on they would go to Rainbow bridge. They would wait there. Until that special day when we passed we would go and fetch them and go to heaven together.......

Shadow I love you and will forever.. I miss you.. I can still smell you, I can still hear you howling at the moon, I can still feel you waking me every morning, I can still see your eyes telling me its okay, I still feel you in my heart!

You are our hero, you gave every thing to our country.... Man has no idea of loyalty, but you gave me a glimpse that one cold night in the river.... and it was so PURE!

See you at rainbow bridge Shadow, I cant wait!

Please Let Me Smash You In The Face!

2006-10-17T11:43:00.000+02:00

Had a good weekend... went to watch the game at a pub and had a good chat to all my mates and some I dont really know. I get on with everyone... no really I do, I love people, I love talking,laughing and crying!

Get this woman getting tense with me, I get angry and give her a mouth full.

All her close mates then pipe up and say... oh Cookie you behaving like a policeman, you just cant shake the aggression from you stint in the police!!! My soul and my heart are lying there in the pub in pieces.... Im beat!

I served the people of South Africa with every morsel of passion honor and diligence that I could muster, I have been stabbed (lots that is) I have been shot (three times that is) I have seen horrors that God would shy away from! I served you well, I had the calling to become a policeman, I was at University and got a degree, i had a deep calling to become a policeman... I ended up as one of the top dog handlers in the South Arican Police, I was good, I had honor and I believed in fair justice... my Mother did an astounding job with me!

Do you know what you have just said to me.... I have my own business today... what are you? Oh yea nine to fiver EMPLOYEE! I am what the police taught me, I have street smarts, I question all that is around me, I am a success! Do you really know what you have just said to me?

My body still hurts, perhaps it was your mother that the armed robbers were shooting at, yes it could be your mother that I threw myself with my dog into the line of fire, got pretty messed up that day. I think it was your mother that said thank with tears in her eyes when I was lying in the hospital bed barely able to string two sentences together, probably was your mother.

Was that your brother who got hijacked on that horrible Thursday night in 1997? Remember the guy that chased them through town to get him back to you in one piece, I lost my best mate that day... he went after them whilst they were dragging your brother from the car... he saved you, he really did, I can still see him in my mind today... he died there in my arms..... I took your brother to hospital and then home an hour later... he was happy, Im sure that was your brother.... It then went to Grays home and told his wife, she still hates me today, she blames me for not saving him.... pity he was just 21, but im so very sure he saved your brother that night!

Its in the Bible... for they have swords to protect!

Shame on you. I gave my life to you and your family, you say I am aggressive, no I am not... I am who I am and I have not lived the violence for over 9 years now!

Fuck you!

My favourite car? That's a tricky one

2006-10-04T19:20:00.000+02:00

This is just a good laugh!!!

He appeared to be completely normal, just an ordinary man with two eyes, a nose and a pair of trousers, tootling up the motorway at a reasonable 70mph. And yet he obviously wasn't normal at all because he was driving a Lexus SC convertible.

This means that at some point in the recent past he'd spent a not inconsiderable £54,778 on a car which has the ride quality of wood, the style of a burns victim and all the excitement of being dead. Plainly, then, he was a mentalist.

Further down the road I saw a fat woman who also carried an air of human-ness about her. But she too was obviously a certified window licker because she was driving, in public, in a three-cylinder Hyundai Accent diesel. She would no doubt argue that it's cheap. Absolutely. But so is self-immolation.

The Accent diesel performs with the gusto of a light breeze and corners with the relish of an oil rig. It is, I think, one of the three worst cars money can buy. And remember, it's made by people who think One Man and his Dog is a cookery programme.

I wanted to bang on her window and explain the error of her ways. I wanted to point out that today, more than ever, there is simply no excuse for buying a rubbish car because the marketplace is awash with stuff that's really good.

Normally, at any one time, there's only one car on sale that really gets its hook into the soft flesh of my brain's sillier bits. Sometimes there are none. I seem to recall that in the late Eighties things were so bad that I went for a couple of years without owning a car at all. And then along came the Escort Cosworth.

Now, however, there are probably 20 or 30 cars that I'd gladly buy, cars that I want to buy, cars that keep me awake at night as I toss and turn wondering which one would be best . . .

My current favourite is the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder. Lamborghinis have always been 10 tons of style with no substance at all. But in recent years Audi has put a bit of Araldite in the mix and now you could nearly convince yourself that this noisy and shouty mid-engined drop top supercar with bright orange seats is a sensible exchange for 131,000 of your pounds. Plus another £600 if you want a cupholder.

It is expensive. Too expensive really for what you get in terms of technology, but when you first put your foot down, and those tail pipes start to trouble seismographs in faraway places, and the four-wheel-drive system starts to post power to whichever one of the fat tyres has the most grip and the whole thing starts to come alive, then all of a sudden £131,600 doesn't sound so bad any more.

Of course, each of us needs a slightly stupid excuse for buying a supercar that you can never use. Mine is: I keep banging on about what fun supercars are to own and drive. So it's only right and proper that I should put my money where my mouth is. My children agree with me on this.

But then the next night I come over all Maserati-ish. I loathe the flappy-paddle gearbox that comes as standard and ruins the Quattroporte, but I know a traditional automatic is in the pipeline and I'm sure that this will remove the bung that, to date, has stopped me buying one.

It may be a four-door saloon and it may have a few styling cues from the 1972 Vauxhall Cresta, but nevertheless I challenge you to park this outside your house and then walk to your front door without turning round for one last look before going inside. It has, what's the word . . . presence.

But then for a similar sort of outlay - £83,000 - you could have an Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

In fact the only reason I do not have this car is that my wife has one, and it would look greedy, having two.

The only reason you might shy away is because you prefer the looks of the DB9. Tricky one, that. But tricky in a delicious can't-choose-between- the-summer-pudding-and-the-crème-brûlée sort of way.

The DB9 is £25,000 more expensive and it's hard when you drive the two back to back to see why that might be so. The V12 is creamier than the savage V8 but in terms of performance there's little to choose between the two. Of course the DB9 has back seats, but unless your children are conjoined in some way, or they came out of your wife as torsos, then they won't fit anyway.

And then there's the bigger, prettier car's Achilles heel. If you were to list the three top things you never hear people say, you'd have at number three "I wish I had a smaller p * nis", at two "On balance, Tony Blair's done a good job", and at number one "I bought a DB9 and I've had no trouble with it at all".

No, really. If you leave a DB9 alone while you pop into the shop for some biscuits, some electrical item on the car will burrow into the battery and eat all its amps. DB9s never start. Whereas my wife's V8 has been totally bulletproof.

So it's the Vantage, then, but hang on a minute, because what about the new Jaguar XKR. It's faster than the Aston, more powerful than the Aston, more practical than the Aston, considerably less expensive than the Aston, and while the Aston looks good and makes a tremendous noise, the Jag's not what you'd call a shy and retiring minger.

As I lie awake at night agonising over such things, I sometimes wonder if it isn't best to stick with the Mercedes SLK. Or what about the bigger, more practical SL, which is so perfect the only updates they've lavished on the 2007 model is a bit of chrome round the spot lamps and a bit more on the key ring.

Then there's the BMW M5. All that power, all that handling, all that comfort, all those doors, and all for the surprisingly low price of £63,500.

See what I mean. I passionately want all of the cars we've looked at so far and the list goes on and on. I also want a Volkswagen Phaeton, a Rolls-Royce Phantom, a Corvette C6, a Vauxhall Monaro, a Porsche Carrera GT, a Zonda F, an Alfa Romeo Brera and an Audi RS4 convertible, or a hard top, or an estate. I'm not bothered, just so long as it has that astonishing 414bhp V8 motor.

I'm also acutely aware that I have never owned a Range Rover and that now is the best time ever to take the plunge. Partly this is because the current model with the supercharged Jag engine is very good but mostly it's because in a Range Rover today, with all this eco-jingoism, you feel like a naughty schoolboy.

As I drive around in that lofty, leathery seat, I feel like I'm behind the bike sheds at school, having a cigarette.

You aren't actually hurting anyone or anything, except the fag a bit, but only at first, but you have that sense of swimming against the tide. It makes me feel all warm fuzzy.

It does not make me feel as warm fuzzy, however, as the king of the hill, the engineering summit, man's hobnail boot in the face of nature. The Bugatti Veyron. Like the Lamborghini it's little and feels well made but unlike the Lambo it does 252mph. This make it officially "very fast". Also it costs £830,000, which makes it officially "very expensive". That said it is also a bargain, since it costs VW £5m to make each one.

Would I give up a kidney to have one? Yes. Without a doubt. And I'd throw in my left leg as well.

Which of course is all very well, but none of the cars mentioned here is of much help to the fat woman in the Hyundai Accent diesel. She only has a budget of, say, £9,000 and that's not a tenth of what's needed for, say, a Maserati Quattroporte. No worries. If she wants faster, more comfortable and more economical transport than her Accent, then she should try a pogo stick, or a space hopper or an Oyster card. Or she could buy a Fiat Panda. Better still, she could get out there and rob a bank.

Our Hearts

2006-10-01T18:54:00.000+02:00

ITS THE MOST.... Precious thing in the world. It only exists for an insatnt.Its here.Then its gone. So cherish it. Love it. Use it to make someone smile. Use it to tell someone you love them.Discover great things. Take it in your hands and stretch it. Eloooongate it. Put it high in the sky for all to see. make it bounce in the mornings. Fill it to the brim with your favourite memories. Squeeze every drop of enjoyment out of it. Whatever you do make the most of it....... Mwwwwwwaaaaaah to you all!

All Little Boys Hiding Behind There Missiles

2006-09-24T16:36:00.000+02:00

Funny how big and scary the powers of the world are when they stand on there podiums emblazoned with the flags of there countries... all like hero's boasting about how great there country is and how wonderful there religion is, all of the little twats are men (just remember that for my point at the end)

"You cant have Missiles, we as a liberal country will not stand for it" response from the little guy that swaggers to the podium as though his life has been ordained by a supreme being... "we can and we will" and so it goes on and on and on and on and on and... and .... on

Please sit down you bunch of sweaty egotistical dwarfs.... who the fuck told you that you can have missiles? Who said that you may start making missiles of the mushroom kind? Who said that you can declare war? Who said you can bomb that country? Who said that you can send human bombs to kill civilians? Who said that you can denounce that religion? Who said that part of the pitch is your land? Who said that you can take over that government? Who said that you can starve your own people? Who, who, who , who???? Thats all I can hear in my own head now a days... who, who , who.... the.... fuck.... is.... telling.... these.... guys.... to do these aweful things to each other, worse still aweful things to those that dont have a voice??

Thats the question who is this enigma of a chap (trust me it is a man)that whispers into these twisted leaders of our worlds ears? Please pretty please, tell me who this person is, oh I ask thee with tears in my eyes, heres a bag of cookies if you tell me!

Naaah... not gonna find the little twit....

My point... The masses of the world ACTUALLY DOes NOT WANT ANY OF THIS NONSENSE!

All these little boys playing with our lives and our souls... making us sad... letting our own blood flow...tragedy!

Even funnier they are all grown men... not woman... what would happen if the UN had a woman running the show, fuck me with a rusty screw driver what if all its members are woman? Im a guy (fuck you if you think my penis is skew) I just see the facts... Woman do not have testosterone and egos... umm AINT THOSE THE INGERDIENTS FOR A WAR??

Dont even use the "Maggie Thatcher caused wars argument" she had way to many varecose veins and probably shaved her face every morning with a blunt dagger, even worse I think she stood when she widdled and and and hooo hoo here we go..and she probably had a fuck face like a man!

So power to the woman... they dont moan like us men when they dont have an orgasm, so why should they bomb the guy next door because he said he had a bigger penis?

TOLERANCE IS IN A WOMANS BLOOD.... Let them rule, we will be a happier world!

Speaking of which, who always says "Okay yes you can have your way with me, there you go Im naked" never the guy is it?... Men are the hunters always seeking to mark there territory, woman are just about getting the job done and keeping the family happy...so I rest my argument.

PS: No maggie I do not want your comments to this post... yes Maggie I do believe you have a bigger penis than me.

PPS: Maggie, please no I dont want you to show me your penis.

PPPS: Oh for gods sakes Maggie please put those Viagra pills down!

See You Soon!

2006-09-22T11:57:00.000+02:00

Well Gang I am off to China and Hong Kong for a week, gotta go see the factories and do some negotiation, the dollar to the rand has been bludgeoned so I have to get some one to cushion the blow.... Now I will be sending pics off China and Hong Kong and be on line...

Toooda looo

Zoom Zoom..... A Zuma......A Zuma.....Is Coming To Get You!!!!

2006-09-21T18:04:00.001+02:00

Simple.... if your bottom is white I suggest two things you should seriously consider in the next three years.

1. Bend over and kiss that white bottom goodbye.
2. Book your ticket out of here.

So whats it gonna be folks.... kiss, kiss or is it fly,fly?

My opinion and yes I am rather a political misfit and try to get everyones feathers ruffled, is that Jacob Zuma is alive and he is looking at that big post, yep he is gonna be the elpresidento!!

He is going for it.... all and I mean all of us sane South Africans have asked..."why are you dividing us Jacob?" Simple, he dont give one liddle teenie weenie fuck about this country or you... he has his eye on the POWER! If a Jacob Zuma loved this country and wanted to make a difference he would have just dissapeared and perhaps got himself a great job, all past politicians have, and my, shooooo, have they been great jobs, jobs that pay even higher than a president could even imagine! So why does Jacob not do that? Nope those jobs or BEE companies dont make your balls all tight and sweaty like power does, nope it really does not!

Now can I respect a man that admitted to sleeping with a "young" HIV positive woman (I am not discriminating) and then says in a wonderful clever and astute way "I thought a shower would help" You are a very clever man....I would love to be mentored by you Jacob, my it would be an honour.... How do you look at the nation in the eye and say YES I did sleep with an HIV positive woman and YES I knew before the act she was HIV positive?

This country is being destroyed by aids!! Its soul is being eaten by aids... and you as our leader of past (probabaly future again, only the big gun) tell the nation that you took a shower hoping it would "take" away the the chances of contracting HIV... GIVE ME A GUN I WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!! I cannot believe this man said that... how many uneducated people have followed this expample of how to "avoid" contracting aids?? For Gods sake he has blood and death on his hands... stand up chunky, thats right suck in that HUUUUUUGE belly and be accountable for those words!!

So back to the the run for the big gun President.... he gonna get it... I will sell all I have, use that british passport that I actually threw away, and I will leave forever....

I trusted you Jacob, I trusted the ANC, I trusted Madiba... you have let me down.. I Fucking Trusted you!!!!!!!!!!! I voted for you every year for Gods sake, Im white and I voted for you.... I threw my british passport away because I trusted you all......

Folks tha hardest thing for me to say or even think about is this:

JACOB WHEN ARE YOU HAVING TEA AND SCONES WITH ROBERT MUGABE?? PERHAPS OLD ROBBIE CAN GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS ON HOW TO FUCK UP A GREAT COUNTRY!!

Do They Have A Soul? I Know One Does

2006-09-20T18:45:00.000+02:00

I am in my Thirties and will always remember band aid when I was a teenager.... the concert was on TV and one can still buy the CD of that momentous day in Hyde park 21 years ago.... the musicians of the world collected over 125 Million US dollars and it was all for the hunger in Africa.Remeber the lyrics???? "Feed the world"

So Im cruising the CD store on Saturday and pick up the latest to land on the DVD shelves.... Live 8 is the cover staring at me.... ummm looks really good, the bands are amazing and features over a 80 bands and musicians that would make you go dilly, all the best.

Bands and musicians such as...

Cold Play
U2
Paul Mcartney
Madonna
Pet Shop Boys
Velvet Revolver
Bon Jovi
Limp Bizkit
Linkin Park
Will Smith
Snoop Dog
REM
Annie Lenox
Robbie Williams

and the ultimate, Pink Floyd!

The list is just to cool and there are more, im just crap at typing and getting bored with thinking of all the names etc....

Rush home and get a cup of Java going, close the curtains and settle..... I place the first of five discs (yep folks five discs)

The beat starts and its Paul Mcratney and U2... starting at Hyde Park....huuuh....The stage is dressed with "Make Poverty History" Fuck me whats this all about (I know I am a compulsive buyer and get bored comparing prices and shit like that, I am way over hypercative and have been since I could walk)I didnt REALLY read what the DVD was REALLY about... perhaps I should now is the thought.

Grab the insert, Crikey its ten pages long.... It starts with Bob Geldof saying his piece..... this was the concert of all concerts... the MOTHER OF ALL BANDS STRUTTING THERE STUFF!

This concert was about the G8 in 2005 that met to decide the fate of the african countries that are starving, it was to have eight men decide who lives and does not live.... and the music world was telling them what they thought, two days before the concert! How great is that.

It gets better.... there were concerts being held in Germany, UK, SA, Rome,France and the US..... all at the same time..... Holy shit, this was a mass movement... I read more... this was not to collect money, it was to tell them and pledge all the names of people in the world that they have had enough of the starvation in the africa....

The concert ended with 2 billion pledges!!! Give me a stick that I may sodomise myself with its splintered end!!! The world was mobilising.....

I continued to watch and this is where it gets really emotional... I mean I sat there in tears, grown man, in tears (fuck you, I do cry)

The musicians were amazing Cold play started out asking the G8 "stop this madness"... Placebo... "please do something"

There were 30,000 africans dying of hunger a day.... please repeat... 30,000 a day... My tears were flowing... how dare we allow this!!!!

Toward the end is where I really took to heart what was going on here in our world... Pink Floyd came out.... Roger Waters and David Gilmour were together!!! Never in a million years.... nope Its a dummy... ummm naaaah it is they are together.... what is this... they split and refused for over 20 years to get together, in fact the rumours were that they despised each other!!

They began with Money.... its was really unbelievable, they were together, David on the lead guitar and Roger on the bass.... it was history!

They then went on to "wish you were here" they said these words as the song started.... "this is for those that are not here, we starved them to death, wish you were here"

Bush, Blair, and all the other fattened pigs sat at the table two days later and pledged 55 billion to the starving in Africa..... Mbeki was there and he made sure they understood....guess what??? Bono, Geldof and Midge Ure held his hand and said thanks afterwards... he had helped... its all in black and white... Mbeki was there..... Thabo you have a soul and you made Poverty History!

Why Are We So Pathetic?

2006-09-11T20:16:00.000+02:00

Having dinner on Saturday night, after my dillemma I thought I should see some "Friends"

As usual Cookie Monster starts a heated debate... Oooh I so love stirring the pot and getting the table all fired up.

So I have the topic thrown on the table.... "Why are we as South Africans so soft and pathetic when it comes to our government sorting outcrime" Ooooh lala!!

After the debate I have a few answers that will fix this crime scourge on SA.

The crime is bad yes we all know and probably all of us have been effected in some way. We have stood for over 12 years and just watched the carnage, our friends, family and close relatives have been murdered, raped and destroyed by these animals we call criminals. We have done absolutely fuck all, yep folks. Harsh, but really... come on, have you done anything... nope we have done fuck all!! How pathetic, what a disgrace we are!

Now what we could do is two things, the first we could stand together and rally those that have been hurt by crime and all we need is over 200 people, that have lost or been so destroyed by crime there lives are a shambles.

These two hundred people get a lawyer and take a class action against the government.... now this is where it gets really interesting... you dont just sue, you go for the gold, in other terms, for there entire wallets!

The action should be for over a Billion Rands... ooooh yes please!!!Now tell me in sweet simple English.... our President is gonna change his boxers a few times that morning he hears this! I mean the world will stand up and say, holy fuck! To me this will bring the hammer down, and we will have debate after debate in parliment about this!!! How fucking great would that be! Hurt the pockets, or shall I say Coffers. All officials will be crying foul.... We as citizens will be exercising our rights!! Yep, our God given rights!

And we must be sure to take this all the way... the best legal team that money can buy... We should take the fight to them.... Our banners in the streets should read... " You are gonna pay, hear us now!!"

So how could one bring this action against the state, what motivation do we as the civilains to do this?? Very simple.... in the constitution it states very clearly.... "You as a citizen has the right to be protected by the government of the day" HAAAAA HAAA Fucking HAAA...Now they have failed and a price tag of one billion should be a big fuck you!

The second is a little harder... but just as sweet... simple, why pay your taxes... I mean, we aint getting return on this investment are we now?? NOOOOOOOPE. So why pay taxes... you protect, we will pay... you spend on the police and security and then simple you send the bill, we pay!!

Two ways I see the government being brought square down to our level!

I leave you with this: in 1993 and 94, we were all worried of a civil war coming down on SA when the ANC took over.... it didnt happen, thank goodness... um, yea, ummm nope folks WRONG!!! We have been in a civil war from 1995..... its crime!

My Way Or The Highway

2006-09-08T17:23:00.000+02:00

Dear Agony Aunt:

Today was not a great day. I lost a really good friend, she has and rightly so decided that i am not what one would call a good friend. I am always too busy, which truthfully, I really am. What I shall attempt to do is explain why I am so busy, the reason and rather a terrible and feeble reason: to make myself feel better afterward. If I were you reading this post, whoever you might be I would not even waste my time! So here goes.

1.I have a company that I have thrown over 3Mil into getting it into the right position.

2.I have over 15 staff already and I have only been at it for three months, soon I will have thirty to forty.

3.As any business I have cash flow issues... new company Duh!

4.I work till ten most nights just to make sure all is going well.

5. I go through three cell phone batteries a day and sit with a cellphone bill of 4k a month... I live on my phone till I go to bed at night.

6.I get to bed at 1 most nights, no actually every night.

7.I get up at 7.

8.I am always tired.

9.My bank account is really great.

10.Im still tired every morning

11.I still work till 10 most nights.

I have given so much to making my empire, that she said in the heated argument, she went on to say that she hopes I achieve my dreams and that she hopes to read of my empire in Fin Week and probably will have no one to share my dream with!

SHE IS RIGHT..... I am a workaholic, I am not married yet, I have a handful of friends,worse they are work/business related, not because I have the personality of a dripping tap, but because they gave up on me, they dont call, why should they? I am at work is the rsponse when they call late at night to catch up for a drink.

I have given too much to my business world and soon will have no one too share it with, friends that is.

This dillemma has started effecting my family, my mother complains that she never sees me. Then again every soul I know has the same thing to say.

So would one say that work can become a drug. I do so love the the thrill of closing deals and eating the competition up alive!

Is there a place I can go at night once a week, stand up and say "Hi Im Cookie Monster, and I am a workaholic"

Is it a problem?

I will miss her, she is a very special person, she has made me smile like never before.

I am not angry with her, she is doing whats right by herself. I respect her descision. My heart is sore, the really horrible thing is, hers is not sore at all. She was sore ages ago when I was not there for her and has gotten over it ages ago.

You may say, go back and get and reapir the relationship. I cant its too far gone.

Im sorry.

Then Go Home....

2006-08-30T12:17:00.000+02:00

The Monster is back, I have been so hectic the last two weeks and missed all of you. I have been cruising and getting the business up and running and thought it best to let every one know that I achived the goal.... the prat sold to me for a pittance!! I have no more issues and all is settled.... business is great.

Todays post is possibly going to be a rant and again will centre around the holy land and all the fighting going on, we may border on the "terrorist" profile and some more. So here goes.

Yesterday on my way to a meeting I am listening to SAFM (I am not old, I just enjoy the debates etc) So here I am stuck in traffic and the debate is over the fighting in Lebanon, the stereo typing that we do with regards to the Muslim community (which is wrong) and the guest speaker is a yank that is an authority on terrorism and the middle east chrisis..... yummy he gonna get hammered in the next five minutes!! Poor bugger.

There you have it and they are off... the lines are open......the lights on the switchboard light up and every muslim guy is on the waiting list to be live on air and tell his side of the story, I have no issue with that... not yet that is.

So I continue listening and really enjoying what the yank has to say.... then something dawns on me.... these muslim guys (dont get me wrong I actually respect and
admire the muslim community and there religion, it stands for something right and morally good, the koran , which I have read is wonderful in its teachings) and they are bleating about the war in Lebanon and the wrongs that the Israelis and Yanks are committing against the Muslim people in the region.... hold on a second here.... what are you?? Are you a citizen of Lebanon, perhaps of Afghanistan, or maybe even Palestine?? Or are you a South African??

The arguments are irrelevant and why do we spend so much time talikg and arguing about these other countries that are at war with each other, myself included, I am also at fault!

We are South Africans.... it doesnt matter what your colour or religion is.... we dont care that you may wear a turbin or a karki shirt that says "ek is a boer" we actually dont give a FUCK! You are one of us.... you belong to the most beautiful nation on the face of the earth....we have a prayer as our national anthem, we have Nelson, the skies are blue, the people are the salt of the earth....When South Africa bleeds on the fields, we bleed... when our heroes cry, we cry... when we fight..we all fight and fuck me, can we fight... We are a nation of rebels (Virgin comes with a rebel brand and we just say what the fuck you taliking about... thats not anything like our blood)

We are a nation that has been on the battle field and we chose peace... we chose it because we know what it means!

So if you are a South African dont scream and shout when a fellow man half way accross the world that has the same religion as you dies at the hand of another..... fuck that....

Dont give your opinion to a war that has been raging for as long as we have breathed the air.... why dont you shout about our problems... the crime, the aids epedemic.... the fact that we are neighbours to a mad man... oh fuck but the list goes on and right now im overcome with boredom and cannot continue....

So pack your bags and fuck off back to wherever you come from and go fight there wars... We want true South Africans....Our war is against poverty, aids and crime.... so choose or FUCK OFF!

I dont see the point?

2006-08-11T18:06:00.000+02:00

Wow what a week... I have just read most of the blogs that are of interest to me and caught up... Muddle has been spicing her nose and Angels cat is taking over the household! Hee hee.

So being friday I have a cup of rich java and a smoke going and I am going to post, have not done so in a week... yep take a whip to me if you please!

This blog may get the wrong reactions from people but it will be centred around a lot of questions I have and I think 90% of the world has had for the better part of 40 years! Now before you go on and you have a rather sentimental way with regards to religion, rather go onto a blog that is all sweet and rosy, this one is gonna knock your goons for a six!

ISRAEL AND THE CARNAGE IS WHAT I HAVE BELOW!

Now I am not totally versed on the exact happenings of the land of religion, political strife and blood shed of late, but I do know alot on the holy wars of the past, a heck of a lot. You see my father taught me of the holy wars and the thing that really struck me is that the English were at war with the French, the Spaniards were at war with the Turks and the Catholic church was at war with everyone (not much has changed really), yet they downned there swords sat around the table and set about shaking hands and hugging each other.... why?

They wanted to claim the holy lands back... and claim they did. Lion Heart led the last crusade and probably the bloodiest of all. The Holy land was back in the hands of the Christians. Good? Probably not!

Lets then fast forward.... the rounds are spinning off pine trees the English are pushing for the bulge, the Yanks are gaining momentum on the rise of the blanket forest mist, the King Tigers are bogged down and at the mercy of the Hurricanes dive bombing them. A pivotal moment at forging to the capital of the father land, which they did.... they then saw what atrocities the Germans had done to the Jews and promptly shipped as many as they could to Israel and displaced all the Arabs that had settled there. So what you may ask? Well the crusade coupled with the world at war was the flame to the fuel of todays troubles in Israel.

The fighting in Israel boils down (and boil is such an appropriate word) to one thing, and to me a really miniscule issue... land! The land we are talking about is the size of a football pitch!! What a fucking joke... an example of how man has not lost the ego he has so diligently tried to shake off.

The Arabs and rightly so claim that Jerusalem is there holy ground... The Jews rightly so claim Jerusalem is there holy ground.... the Christians, well lets see..... Aaaa they claim nothing! Nothing? Really? Thats strange.

So why do they claim nothing? Why have they opted for peace after say 300 years of misery in the Holy Wars? Fuck knows really... took a moment to suck on my smoke to give it a thought and what did come into my mind was, well, fuck all really!

And that folks is the BIG QUESTION!

I mean the Christians had Jesus crucified there, had all sorts of religious happpenings there a 100 years ago (note how I am just not great on the bible issue and events, in fact im rubbish)The land of our beginnings and the gospels and whatever else, but to most in the world, thats where Jesus spent most of his life (I think) Well he got murdered there didint he? And then took off into the clouds. Since then we have been killing and killing and killing!

My point is this, the Arabs say its there land, the Jews say its theres... the Christians have not said its there land... three religions that have a stake in the football pitch! Crock it is but a fact it will remain. Yet the Jews and Arabs are going hell for leather... what if and I mean a really big IF the Christians got all hot and bothered and decided to get the old gun out and start shouting that its there land, what then?

I will tell you what.... KAAABOOM!

I HAVE THE ANSWER, no Muddle I cannot walk on water!

Now lets say I was the Pope (I am going to have the mafia at my door come Monday after saying that,fuckit), I could have the RS4 kitted out to be the Pope Mobile....OOOOH FANTASTIC IT WOULD LOOK, crikey that would make for alot of saliva spewing in the streets of Rome, anyways back to the point.

I would push for the world that is dominated by Islam, Jews and Christians to accept that Jerusalem does not belong to ANYONE!! Ha lets say that Again.... anyone! See it makes sense.... what the UNO and the security council should do is cliam the land a neuatral state that is governed my the UNO. Now this is where the problem in my mind just dissapears.

They will stop in mid battle like two scolded children and say.... but... we... ummm...we.... sorry... we.... just... you know.

Yes we know you sorry, you have done some aweful damage to the Holy Land and to your selves ,so please stop treating it like a war zone, its HOLY for fuck sakes!

That people is where I see the issue...

Toodaloo

Lord Have Mercy On Our Testicles!

2006-08-03T13:55:00.000+02:00

So lets really dive into the formidable Audi RS4. I really need to share this with you so you can see why my , so check out the pics first and then scroll on down to the stats!!

The car has soul and makes all machines in its calibre, not that there are many, stand aside and say "We are off to the tip"

Audi RS 4 opens up and becomes more versatile

27 Feb 2006
Audi's drive for the ultimate expression in performance machinery continues with the pending introduction of two new additions to the RS 4 range at the 2006 Geneva Motor Show.
Whereas the RS 4 sedan has set new standards for ultra-high performance saloons, Audi is now introducing the same performance and technology into the Avant and Cabriolet body styles.
The RS 4 sedan will be launched in South Africa in May this year although at this stage there are no confirmed plans for the Avant and Cabriolet.
Whether in sedan, Cabriolet or Avant, the RS 4 has numerous new features to distinguish it. Most notably, there is the high-revving V8 engine with an output of 309 kW.
With this 4.2-litre FSI equipped engine, it is the first time that a manufacturer has combined petrol direct injection with a high-revving concept and engine speeds of up to 8,250 rpm are possible.
Another highlight is the suspension with the latest generation of quattro® permanent four-wheel drive and Dynamic Ride Control. The Cabriolet and Avant have likewise been subjected to a rigorous regime of weight reduction measures to make sure that they are equally sporty.
Even though the engineers have systematically applied lightweight construction principles, all RS 4 versions feature luxurious equipment that singles out the Audi RS 4 as a high-performance vehicle suitable for everyday driving.

Drivetrain Audi translates the engine's power into locomotion in typical style: the latest generation of quattro® permanent four-wheel drive, which featured first in the RS 4 saloon and offers an asymmetric/dynamic torque split of 40 (front axle) to 60 (rear axle) in conjunction with the self-locking centre differential, is one of the main reasons why the RS 4 is still able to provide traction when other drive concepts have long since reached their limits.
quattro® drive is further enhanced by the DRC suspension system (Dynamic Ride Control), which significantly reduces the rolling and pitching movements of the vehicle about its transverse axis and rear axle

I am happy but cant find my testicles on Rivonia road!

2006-07-28T17:55:00.000+02:00

So this week has been chaotic and needless to say a wonderful success on the business front...

As you may recall I had a nightmare the last couple of months with regards to business and put thee old head down and made it work, ummm well I thought it would help! Well did it? Lets see..... Oh.... cor.....blimey.... yes.... it.... did!

I have started the new business all of three months, had litigation coming outta my nose, uncertainty in the arena of my customers and just a general stormy time! So what changed?

I used the charm my mother gave me and got to working on the customers to come to the "light side" This week has been a revalation and I must say has warmed my heart to the extent that I really value relationships in the business world..... people who I never thought would follow me have called me and just spelt it out... "you have our business 100% of the way, you have turned lead into gold before and you can do it again" Thanks for the words D, your a good man! So to all you guys out there that showed me that I can do it, I tip my hat.

This week folks I have wrapped up every listing with every retailer and network that I could and I am clicking my feet, doing the shake that booty thing, running naked through the house, man I am sooooo FUUUUUUUCKING chuffed... ITS DONE! They are mine and all mine, I shall make there business rocket... I promised and shall do so!

My turnover has just blown the roof off, my staff are all smiles and normality has come to rest in our happy little family!

I am sleeping like a normal human being again and the playstation is out in full force, I will be killing many a Nazi this weekend on the frontlines.... Muddle it just has too be done, the allies are counting on me.... SERGEANT MONSTER TO YA ALL!

So all is too great and I am feeling just ohhhh so goood, to top it off the new and wait for it....... The all new Audi RS4 (it goes from 0 to 100km/h in 4.8seconds, it destroys all m3's and makes the C55 look like a Morris Minor at full tilt) is too be delivered to meeee in 6 weeks, there you have it, I will be zooming across the national roadways using the light flashing technic in the fast lane to make the slow uns get to the boring left lane.... slow flash( move please)..... twin flash( I am moving fast so pretty please)..... multiple flashes in quick succession (move your moldy, rusty, dented ass outta my way) Now if I was in the miserable CPT I would probabaly run my battery flat flashing the slow town out of the way. Now the car has so much power that when I tested it... hold on lets dedicate a paragraph to this:

Now where were we, yes of course.... so walk up to the car and the manager who is just a gem, strolls over opens his left hand and says " you will be needing these" two round and rather large iron balls...my boxers went a liddle brown! I get in the test car at Audi and start the engine... FUCK ME... no no no please FUCK ME GENTLY, it rasped like a wild beast.... crikey my heart was pounding! We then take a gentle drive to the main road and the guy says stop and, go on open it up...... slammed my foot down and I mean SLAMMED my foot down.... it took a hefty breath, sucked in its balls and just said WAAAAAAAAAAAH, there i was, we took off in a flash, my testicles were still where we had stopped, my teeth were on the backseat and of course I was already doing 120Ks, he then says "Its got power but this animal can stop, so hit the brakes" I did... the RS4 came to a splitting stop and it was like a heaven..... every part of the car just stopped...... the only thing that was still moving at 120ks an hour was my stomach contents and my spine that was wriggling on the dashboard! It is just the abosolute bollocks!!

On that point I was in CPT to see a couple of the customers and landed on Sunday night to the most aweful weather!

I mean the weather is just sooo fucking lazy... it has no purpose... it just lazily twoddles off to that side unloads an excuse of water on only one side of the road and then trundles over to the next side! Unlike JHB weather, which has all the purpose of a hit man!

Got back to JHB on Wednesday and drove to Rivonia road to look for my testicles!

That said and done I am off to have a relax and its good to catch up!

Get Up! Dust Yourself Off!

2006-07-19T14:14:00.000+02:00

Now I have been going through a liitle bit of hell of late. 6 months to be exact, it all boils down to sordid business..... it started a litte bit like this (must warn you that I will rant and rave towards the end and that the background to this post may be boring... but assure you that it will hot up)

I was head hunted in early 2003 to come head up a business that was involved in servicing the mobile phone market with product, I had been in this game for well over 5 years at this time.

So in I walked and was welcomed with a site that was chaotic to say the least.....this business on paper was in dire straits, so I put my head down, sat the owners around there idea of a boardroom table and laid out my three year plan to make this company the 1st to buy from in the mobile phone industry.... all was agreed that I would get ceratain "shares" and a package that would make most MD's smile..... I set off on the mission....

In mid 2005 I had reached the target and had made this company the "one to do business with" I had bled for over 2 and half years and not seen much of home never mind the fact that my personal life suffered to the point I gave up all those close to me, bar my love who stuck by me... I had created such value that the company was worth twenty times the capital injection it had taken to swing it into fifth gear.

I submitted the interim results for that financial year end and was told that come Feb 2006 I would receive the "agreed" incentive and the "paper shares"

February 2006 rolled in fast and I simply got fucked so hard my ass feels like it has had a yorkshire terrier living there for my life time! I immiditaly took on a "JOHN WAYNE WALK"

How do you actually tell the person who headed up your company and turned the business into a money machine that you would "like to push the deal to a future incentive" Fuck you!

How do you shake ones hand and say "we have all the faith in you to make this company turn around and go forward, and good luck" then when the time comes you change the deal... how the fuck do you look into my eyes and do that... my blood and guts are in that business, my life is painted on the walls, my staff are my family!

So I resighned effective immidiatly, they wre shocked....... DUUUUUUH!

I then went promtly to plan B, I went overseas and saw the suppliers to inform them that i had left the company that had sodomised me and shall be starting a new business again.... hold on let me say that once more......... START AGAIN!!! One agency said: do or die we are with you... cool thats just really great... I know had one of the most awesome products that one could ask for, the catch is I didnt even ask for it.... Theres the finger toupee fucker (he has other peoples hair stitched into his head because he has not one strand of hair on his head. How fucked up is that?)

I started the new business and then it happened I was summonsed and taken to court six weeks ago.... the application was brought against me for unlawful competition! Go and figure that one out... and it is a standing law. I had taken the "property of this company by signing the agency even after I resigned"..... its a crock! What on earth am I to do????

Toiled with the issue for ummmmm twenty minutes, picked up the phone and said Mr lawyer I need to have a boxing match!

The fight was on..... I went to court and was told by the the high court judge that I could be "Sterilised" what the fuck do I sound like?? A dog at the SPCA?? STERILISED???? Surely you cannot just take a seat in that glorified leather chesterfield and say that....

So it sounded like I was in the dog box after the case was heard... so 120K for lawyers fees for the day down and I am on the path to finding a new career.... my soul was very sore... I loved (note past tense) my profession and my industry!

So what do I do.......

I will NOT GIVE THE F...U...C...K UP!!

And I didnt... not for one fleeting second..........Yesterday the business I built and had screwed me over closed and I am smiling ear to ear..... I WON! The staff are coming to me as my loyalty to them will not be tested by any court, Judge or God for that matter and they are here now helping me grow my own business.....

Sooooo what did I learn from this.... take caution when deals are done... maybe.... get all you can in writing, I did, it just went amiss.... perhaps...... ummmmm nope none of those.

What I learnt is that one should never give up... NEVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP!

My Love

2006-07-17T13:13:00.000+02:00

Its simple to me....

If you wake in the middle of the night and you look at her asleep and think in just a split moment that she is just the most beautiful creature you have seen and your hearts gets warm.... its LOVE!

I have been worried of late with some business dealings and have been awake most nights trying to get my head around my next move in the dark evil world of business.

She knows that I lay awake and I can sense that she feels my anguish... what makes me sleep some more in the night is knowing that people can take all your possessions and money for that matter, but one thing that they cannot get there hands on is my love that I have with her... its too deep!

I love her and will always love her... she is my north and my south, my bow and my stern, the sun and the moon, my sweetner for life!!!

The amazing thing is that I met her eight years ago in the last place one would imagine!

I know she will never read this as its my little diary and whatever I feel I right..... but if she ever did...

I know I would get a kiss!

Pics that mean so much!!

2006-07-06T17:54:00.000+02:00

Muddle this ones for YOU, PEAS,RC and TF!!! Found this whilst in Hong Kong and just struck me... there are another 8 pics like this and I will post as we go.... Cherio

The Traffic Cops

2006-07-06T16:05:00.000+02:00

Now here I am driving down the M1, go past Woodmead and the Traffic cops are at it again!

So I gave some thought as to why they seem to pull any random car over....... gave some more thought and diced up some theories.

1. Judging by there girth sizes, they are hungry and hope that when you are stopped and they approach the drivers window, you may have some sandwiches from Monday left over on the passenger seat.

2. The month is almost midway and the wallets are looking rather empty....wink, wink! Mind you Im amazed that they can find there wallets with backsides the size of football stadiums!

3. This one folks is my favourite, we all know that they must have troubled chilhoods, therefore.... they keep pulling random cars off the roads, looking for there mothers!!

I do not like traffic cops and find them to be insulant and a waste of uniforms!

In fact I liken them to urinals!

Muddle in Trouble? Troops are on the way!!

2006-07-05T12:27:00.000+02:00

This little blog is dedicated to Muddle......

Ya sad today but still dig deep and make us all laugh.... that is a wonderful gift. You take the time to speak from the heart, good spirit if you ask me.

Your heart is sore, the soul a tiny bit bruised.... you still jump up and down and bring a room full of boring sods to there knees with laughter.. a walking comedian you are!

You are dedicated to making peoples problems go away, that is a true friend!

The troops have been sent and are led by Sergeant Major Whip Ass! He has a snarl that makes most hardened nigerian drug dealers pee in there pants and run home to change there brown boxers.

You are just too special and know that we all love you too bits....GO MUDDLE GO!

Miniature Cabbages

2006-07-04T17:41:00.000+02:00

Now I must ask all that could or perhaps read this post, what is it with Brussel Sprouts? They are absolutely leathal..... I mean I really like the sprouts and they must not be too mushy, they have to have a dash of salt and one turn of pepper.

Why the heck did they call them Brussel Sprouts? I want to research this but I am feeling rather lazy right now. I think they were developed by the Germans as an extra measure to eridicate the rest of us poor sods if they lost the war.... even worse, perhaps that was there answer to the atomic bomb that the yanks had conjured up, explianed more in detail below, this folks will blow your hair back......... literally that is.

Now the other night I got the sprouts going but this time I steamed em in the chinese wooden effect thingies. So there they were being stemed and all was great. Got to eat the green balls of stomach gremlins.

I think they started there bomb runs about an hour later, the explosions were catastrophic! I inadvertantly fumagetd my home, no intention I tell you.

The morning after the cats were walking around like the battle of the landings had happened the night before, i could have sworn I saw the younger of the two cats building a bunker!

The point is girls and boys, these Brussel Sprouts are atomic and pack one swerving punch...... I Think they are really small cabbages. They are concentrated cabbages!!!! Phooo weee

Warlords on our door steps???

2006-07-03T16:48:00.000+02:00

Let me ask you all one simple question? HOW DO THE SOUTH AFRICAN POLICEMEN AND WOMAN PROTECT THEMSELVES?? Its easy guys..... they dont.. tell you why, the laws that were passed whilst I was exiting the police (yes I was a policeman, fuck you I am proud of it!!!!! I shall explain another day) changed, the law makers made laws for the CRIMINALS! So laws were made for criminals by criminals.

When we were dealing with the wave of violence after the 94 elections that rapidly grabbed the nation we had a certain law that made us comfortable to deal with the violence, especially if it was turned on ourselves and that was section 49 of the criminal acts.

This law stated that we could draw our arms when we felt the situation was necessary, now we only drew our weapons (Muddle those are guns and not penises) that does not mean we used them ,we drew to make sure we could use more effectively, a second counts.... it counts all for your life!

Now if a guy has skipped the robot and we tested his plates and the car was reported stolen, we would pull the car over, thats if he really was a nice guy (that didnt happen often, actually it never did) but for the sake of my point lets say the guy pulls the brand new BMW over.

Cool, we were allowed to draw our weapons and point at the suspects in the car and we would be at ease with this law. This gave us all the sense of a gaurdian angel.

Today folks that aint allowed, basically the new law reads like this...... If a suspect draws his weapon and points it at you and shoots, then only then and wait for it.... only then..... may you draw your weapon and fire upon him, thats if he is not running away already, then you are to holster your weapon and persue him.

KUK, its all a load of KUK, we are not in Switzerland.

So I say to the the top dog of the SAPS, MR (Its not General as you did not serve your time to get those stars, fat man) you have blood on your hands, you have not taken the fight to the politicians and taken the rights of policemen and woman to the government.....

On Thursday you make a statement that all officers must wear there bullet proof vests, thats great, all said with a wide girth in your ivory tower.... what vests????? Are you that narrow sighted?? There are only 10 vests to every 100 officers???? Thats a crime and a disgrace!!!!!!!!!!! You should be punished by the war crimes tribunal, TUBBY!

In my tenur in the SAPS, I saw many of my colleagues fall in the line of duty, I was fired upon daily and ambushing of the SAPS was a common occurence.... I was repremanded on one such incident for using excessive force and haveing far too many magazines and weapons.... FUCK YOU Captain YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE... I had 4 AK,s on my ass!!! You sat in your office all day and just gained weight and fuck mate did you pack it on, I saw more fat on you than a butchers pencil!!!! We were falling and bleeding and all you did was curse us and say we were excessive. You are a disgrace!

This aint the last stoneI throw at the top management of the SAPS on this here blog.... mind you I may just continue the slating in the morn.

I leave all you folk with a couple of thoughts...... Is the SAPS top heavy??? Why are we paying taxes if the government of the day is not protecting us??? Is it not in the constitution that all South Africans have a right to be protected?? Is the Government abusing our constitutional rights??? If I had a couple of million in my bank account I think I may just take the lot to court and sue for a ridiculous amount.... perhaps 100 mil would make all sit up and TAKE NOTE, if I win I shall give all the money to the fallen heroes families!

There is blood on the streets.... Oh and all those SAPS members with rank... SOD YOU!!

My apologies, for the anger....

Conair!!

2006-06-27T12:37:00.000+02:00

Now I have done my fair share of travelling. I go to Hong Kong and China once a month and have done so for over four years. I still enjoy the adventure and every trip seems to produce an event, one event that really and I mean really sticks out in my mind is the day I nearly got arrested by the pilot on a flight from Johannesburg to Hong Kong.

It was last year March and I managed to upgrade to business class, I boarded and was seated next to a Chinese man. Before I continue, anyone that has visited the east should be familiar with the Chinese manners or lack thereof and what they are capable of. The plane climbed to the heavens and we all settled for the long haul to the land of noodles and fake Rolex watches.

I decided to read my book which would have kept me busy for the better part of the trip.... not true! The fella (Chinese) seated next to me and who had been well behaved for the first hour decided to FUCK my head and stomach contents around. My silence and tranquility was shattered, he took a rather overstated breath and cleared his throut with all the might he could muster.... it went a little like this GGGGGGGGWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHH, the flem reverbarated through his lungs and obviously landed in his garlic infested mouth!!! I placed my book neatly on the middle console and turned to Mr. Siff, my face was consumed with total horror, I mean I looked like I had just witnessed Lassie being run over by a truck.

I then shook my head in disgust and returned to my book, oh he knew I was not a happy man, oh he knew, the fucker. So back to the book, I was half way down the page, just as Andy Mcnab took his super dooper knife to the Iraqi soldiers throat.... he did it again..... this time he pulled it like a champion shotput..... and he reached for a bag (sick bag that is) and spat it into the bag.

I turned to him with the look of a psycho and asked him with the coldness of Andy Mcnab being debriefed by the CIA after single handedly killing three thousand Iraqi troops with a blunt rusted spade he stole from his grannys shed.

My words were clear and precise.... "If you do that again chink, I am going to hurt you" the yellow berk smiled at me... he SMILED at me (teeth clenched)

"Its not funny, please do not do that again" his reply just added to my psycho demeanor..." you dwont wowy, It no pwobwem" I smiled "cool just dont do it again!!!"

Right back to the book.... and here comes lunch, hoo hoo hoo... began picking at the salad and all was back on track for a good flight. Lunch completed went back to the book with a whisky to clear my thoughts and make me normal again.

GGGGGGGGWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHH.... yep I know he, he, he DID IT AGAIN! His yellowness had just reached his destination.... I needed a spade.

I released my seat belt and reached for my pillow.... I leaned over him... and began my thumping, its hard to describe the thrashing but can you remember when your mother took her hand to you, she gave it one of those... if *smack* you *smack* do *smack* that *smack* again *smack* .... it went like that.... I was unstoppable the pillow began to weave apart and gave way with a cracking tear.... needless to say his seat was full of bits of faom.... and fuck you I said for good measure.

A burly man seated in 12c who had an old Koevoet cap on piped up " Jy focken se vir hom, die klein blicksem" I had a following (I was Captain Flem) by the end of the flight I was sure I would be a celebrity.... not.

I retired after my cage fight to my seat, strapped myself in and tried to read my book again. This is where my undies immidatly changed to a brownish colour.

The man dressed like a pilot came over to me and asked that I accompany him to the front of the plane.... which I did.

In his Aussie drawl he explianed that I had now contravened an internationl law.... INTERNATIONAL LAW?????? This was no speeding fine it appears.

He went on by stating that I will now be hand cuffed in the forward galley (they still think they are on the high seas, the sods!)
I expained my sitiuation and went further to say that I had paid alot for this ticket and that why should my flight be badgered by vomiting all the way to Hong Kong.... I pleaded and pleaded, and then I said it..... "Ausssies had a great game last week, Larkin was on form dont you think..... mate"

His eyes softened and he let me back to my seat...... YAY I was in the clear..... so there I was.... a convict, I was on Conair... hee hee...

The cabin crew were keeping a close eye on me and I thought I should send a clear message that all was cool in seat 13B, I leaned over to yellow man and shook his hand... smiling I said "your head will be in my kit bag you chinkie fuck!!

We landed and I was free...

Them Krauts

2006-06-26T14:26:00.000+02:00

An issue that has bothered me of late is the GERMANS. We all know that they are not the happiest nation on our happy little globe and they have caused some wars of biblical proportion. I do not like Ze Germans, but that folks is about to change!

The Gerries are grumpy buggers, yes they are however let’s take a peek at what they have achieved, so the teasing shall end for five minutes I hope.
So sit back, slot a bit of Kraftwerk into your Grundig, light up a West, take a sip of your Becks and let’s have a canter through some of the fatherlands achievements.

They gave the world contact lenses, the globe, the printing press, x-rays, the telescope and Levi Strauss; and chemistry lessons would have been so fuuuuuucking boring without the BUNSEN BURNER (hope muddle doesn’t read this she may revert to a Bunsen burner to rid the tree house below)

It was Frank Wittle who invented the jet engine but the Luftwaffe had jets in its planes before the yanks graced the skies with their jets.

This is where it gets down right rude….Got a Land Rover? Its German! So is the Bently, the Rolls Royce (bless her spirit) the Bugatti and the Lamborghini and all the Chryslers…by this time next year they would have got there Das Technik grubby paws on Ferrari, Alfa Romeo and Fiat.

If I were given a choice (be reminded I have strong roots to the isles) of Schroder or Rumsfeld as my leader I would not hesitate for a moment and choose the burly man with twelve chins and a loud demeanour, yep you guessed it, UNT SCHRODER!

Why is that you may ask? Well the Yanks like to talk of how they saved Europe from outright tyranny twice in the past century. True, but let’s not forget they were unbelievably late on both occasions. Predictably the Gerries were as punctual as ever. One has to like that, no one wants to hang around on the landings and wait for the first Mauser to ring off.

Therefore today I like the Germans, it may be short lived, who knows they may win the World Cup, in that case, they are all Beleaguering Knitwits who own the worlds car industry. But we shall fight them on the turf, score spectacular goals and foul them till all 11 English players are on the bench with red cards!!! DAS KIND